fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
