my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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