Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
