they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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