My friends, they love my intelligence
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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