new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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