so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
