aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize