forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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