Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
