yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
