i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
