It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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