i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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