It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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