As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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