I think I won the penis lottery.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
