I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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