I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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