sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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