The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
