I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
