My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
