Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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