someone threw a dead crab at me
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ladies don't puke and tell
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
