I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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