apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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