I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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