woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm too high and old for this...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
