You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
