no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
