Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
