Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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