when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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