I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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