Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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