you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize