she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
