i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
