I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
