I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
