Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
