Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
