Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
