I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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