3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my shit smells like andre
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize