We named our party play list daddy issues
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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