My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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