I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
