I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
