After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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