My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The ass gains better be worth it
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