i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
