I smell stomach acid.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
