I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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