Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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