I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
