when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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